Support was inaccessible to me because I didn't want to be known as the girl who had an eating disorder

Rachel’s story contains references to eating disorders. Please read with care. Watch Our World, 2030.

In childhood, sameness is celebrated. Growing up, I felt very out of place. I had to disguise who I was to fit in, so I became extremely unhappy.

The attitudes and expectations built into the world around me made me feel like I couldn't be my authentic self. I didn't know who I was because I had always played the part of the person other people wanted me to be.

I felt a lot of pressure; follow the crowd, be successful, find a high-status job with a massive salary. When I started senior school, the environment and the pressure I put on myself severely affected my mental health.

I struggled with socialising. I was in a big group of friends but felt on the outside. I wanted to fit in, and I was masking every single day: acting normal and trying not to draw attention to myself. Often, I would spend lunch breaks sitting alone on the toilet because I could not socialise anymore.

I was struggling so much, but I couldn't verbalise it. I felt like I was broken. I felt broken from low self-esteem and being in a demanding academic environment where I constantly felt like I was not enough. My coping mechanism took the form of anorexia nervosa.

Support was inaccessible to me because I didn't want to be known as the girl who had an eating disorder or was struggling. I didn't have the confidence to advocate for myself neither did I want to attract attention at school, because I was so anxious about asking for help and what it would mean. Even when I was really unwell, I was still going to school because I continued to mask and pretend that I was okay. I had to keep going. No one knew anything about what I was going through. It was so much easier to say “I’m fine.”

Eventually, I got to breaking point. My body was about to give up.

When I went into hospital the big group of people who I was friendly with – who I’d see every day, who saved seats for me in classes, some who told me we’d be friends forever - never messaged. It was like I never existed. I was completely by myself at a time when I needed friends the most. I think one school friend messaged me during the time that I was in hospital. I don't think it's their fault. They are products of a society that promotes mental health, but doesn’t know how to handle mental illness. They didn't know what to say.

My recovery

We are not broken. We may struggle in some areas, but it's not because we're defective. It is because the world isn’t designed for us.

The turning point in my recovery was finding out I was autistic. For me, getting my autism diagnosis was validation. I found a piece of myself that's always been there. With the support of a neuro-affirming mental health practitioner, I explored my autistic identity and started on a journey of recovery from mental illness to believing in myself and creating a life that worked for me. I was able to reconnect with my authentic self and didn’t need to mask anymore.

Successful anorexia treatment must be individualised and person-centred. However someone is presenting, you have to see them as an individual. During my treatment, I often felt like I was seen only for my diagnosis or as a walking, talking version of anorexia. For example, clinicians would speak to me about body image when that never applied to me. Only when I was seen as me with my (autistic) needs met, was I able to start my process of healing. When the attitudes and expectations I carried were removed I finally felt seen as the individual that I was; vulnerable, wanting to be heard, and wanting to be loved.

I think it will help prevent a lot of eating disorders if people are seen as their autistic selves and the world is adapted for them. Because ultimately, autistic people who develop eating disorders are not at fault and never choose to become sick. We are not broken. We may struggle in some areas, but it's not because we're defective. It is because the world isn’t designed for us. And I think if the world was adapted to meet the needs of autistic people, then that would create an environment to help us thrive and live a happy, healthy, fulfilling life.

That's why we need research. We need to learn, we need to understand, and we need other people to understand and listen to autistic people so that our needs can be met. I think that comes with hearing the voices of as many autistic people as possible. We deserve to be heard and we deserve a world where we feel championed and supported as individuals so we can grow and flourish. That is the bare minimum.

Finding my voice

I want to keep being my authentic self, so that the world around us changes. I don't think you should change yourself for the world.

A year and a half ago, I started my social media page, where I talk about being autistic and share my recovery. Before, I felt like I condemned myself or society condemned who I was. Now I'm open and honest and I express myself. I celebrate my autistic identity and want other people to do the same. I get so much joy when people message me to say my story helps them feel seen or has supported them to feel more confident as their autistic selves.

I hope sharing my story shows other people that recovering from a serious mental illness does not have to involve recovering to return to your old life. You can create a new one.

Now I’ve found my voice I want to use it. I know it's cliche, but you truly can change the world by being yourself. I hope that being myself will inspire others to be themselves and believe in themselves too. Honestly, I want to keep being my authentic self so that the world around us changes. I don't think you should change yourself for the world.